That Sunday afternoon, I know I’m not okay. I am hurt. I’ve heard words loaded enough to leave a welt on your soul and felt it hurt many times but it will always feel ten times heavier when it comes from the people you love and deeply care for. With my heart pounding, half sulkily walking towards the building, I know it’s gonna be tears and bawling in any minute, and I’m not really sure if I will like it. Music starts playing, and prayers are being said. “Here I am, Lord. Crush it. I’m ready.” You go with the flow of the music, you battle your hurt with worship. Again and again, removing its authority from within.
I was searching, waiting for tears. I know I’m hurt but why are there none falling down? I’m supposed to be bawling my eyes out; that’s how it has always been. Where are my tears? And then, I see this is what surrendering sometimes looks like. It doesn’t always come in a face drenched with tears; surrendering can also appear in a courageous stature on your own two feet, showing the enemy you’re not afraid of its taunting, scuffling through the unbelief that it is not you but He who takes all the pain and hatred from this world. It sometimes appears in contrast to your emotions, to what you think it should look like. Tears are not a mere sign of weakness in the midst of troubles, it’s just sometimes the Lord asks us to do hard things like this- brushing the pain off your shoulders when all you ever want is to take a moment in to regain yourself and continue being a light among the people along the path set before you. Showing grace; encouraging; loving, especially to those who hurt you.
We are called to walk through the hard. And, even if your walking doesn’t look like anybody else’s that is still meaningful. Don’t be weirded out by not getting any tears rolling down your face when you feel like it should. It, alone, doesn’t always validate your intent. I remember this one scene from the Narnia series that I think greatly relates to what I’m saying,
“And he writhed inside at what seemed the cruelty and unfairness of the demand. He had not yet learned that if you do one good deed your reward usually is to be set to do another and harder and better one. But all he said out loud was, ‘Where is the King?’” (The Horse and His Boy, CS Lewis)
So, here’s to more days of facing mountains after mountains with every form of courage, and a deeper understanding of our great need for Jesus in the good and the ugly. Wear love, grace, and peace on your sleeves today.
from my heart to yours,
pam.
TAPESTRY OF GRACE 