Idamer,

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I know, I know I didn’t put up with the challenge! But it’s 2:04 am as I’m typing this now and it’s Saturday and doing this is better than lying in bed, scrolling through my social media, thinking of how huge of a mess I am, so spare me. This is Day 05 of our 30-Day Blogging Challenge: What are you afraid of?

I would just like to share to you guys my little problem with writing. I am so insecure with my writings- my ideas, my arguments, my points, my stories. I have this nagging thought that I am being gibberish (just like now, oh my gahd.). I don’t know if its just me or if it happens to anyone who <tries to> write. Minsan, hindi ko natatapos yung sinusulat ko kasi halfway through it maiisip ko na parang wala namang kwenta ‘yung sinasabi ko. Or, minsan (lol, madalas) tuwing susubukan ko na magsulat, hindi ako makapagsimula kasi naiisip ko na hindi creative enough ‘yung gagawin ko. I don’t mean there’s something wrong with not being “THAT” creative, pero ‘di ba creativity spices up your work. I am so sick of not being able to finish anything because of this insecurity kaya simula ngayon we will apply the Stoic philosophy, Apathy, or for this matter, is best translated as Equanimity (Oha, galing sa Philo class ‘ko ‘yan!). Masarap ang may nararamdaman pero minsan maganda rin ‘yung walang pakialam. Like today. I’m not letting myself to be disturbed by this insecurity. After all, when it comes to writing, hindi lahat ng magandang sulat ay kailangan ng mabulaklak na mga salita o masyadong fabricated ba, what’s important is the message, ‘yung istorya, ‘yung honesty, ‘yung makikita ‘yung puso at pagkatao mo. Kaya nga sabi ni Ernest Hemingway ‘di ba (na paborito ‘ko rin na sinabi niya ‘cos tagos, bes, hihi.), “Sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” So here’s me being stripped bare…well, at least figuratively.

I am a big over-thinker which certifies me as a terrified person, well, not mostly but quite sometimes. Gaya nalang nung kinuwento ko kanina. Medyo baliw ‘di ba? Naalala ko lang bigla, at hinding-hindi ko rin malilimutan ‘yung conversation namin ng kaibigan ko ‘to:

Pinipilit ko si Gurly na sumakay doon sa isang ride na by the looks of it ay nakakahilo naman talaga. She refuses to go kasi she’s really afraid to ride extreme rides but eventually napaikot ko siya (ha, pun. see that). During the ride, oh my gahd nahihilo ako pero I tried na huwag ipahalata so I was fake smiling and laughing habang nasa ere kami pero sa loob-loob ko hilong-hilo na ako. Ibaba niyo na ako, ples. After the ride:

Her: Ang saya! Sakay pa tayo dun sa isa!

Me: Grabe ka, hilong-hilo nga ako. (I had to fam. Di ko na keri magpaka-strong)

Her: Ah. Matapang ka lang pala sumakay sa ganyan pero ang bilis mo mahilo. *Laughs*

Ayun pagkatapos nung araw na ‘yun, pagkahiga ko sa kama ko habang nagpapahinga- nasa isip ko pa rin ‘yung sinabi niya, at sinasabi sa sarili, “Omg, she thinks I’m brave? Really?”. Mukhang na-flatter ata ako. Haha! Siguro nga mababaw na bigyan ng malalim na kahulugan ‘yung sinabi niya na parang naisambit lang out of breath pero hindi ba kung iisipin mo, ‘yung taong ‘yun ay may nakita sa pagkatao mo na akala mo ay wala sayo? Na kapag nasa verge of breaking down ka na, ito ‘yung sasagip sayo dahil maiisip mo na somebody out there thinks you’re brave enough to go through anything when you can’t even bring yourself to believe that you are. In all honesty, hindi naman ako ganun na matatakutin na tao. Pero kung meron man, asahan mo naka-categorize ‘yun: Circumstances: Takot ako mastuck sa gitna ng THE big blue sea, okay?!, Adulthood: Ugh the creeping thought of not being successful enough (is it just me or do people my age experience this?), Acads: Sa daming beses ko ba namang iginapang, nabugbog, at nai-wrestling ng college life matatakot pa ba ako with anything? Siguro what I’m really afraid (or more worried) of is if there’ll be a change of plans haixt, beh.

Ito ‘yung mahirap eh- kung paano mo ishishift ‘yung pagsulat mo from lighter to more heavier and serious note. Kaya ipapasok ko nalang. Bahala ka na. After all, Equanimity.

Ngayon, natatakot ako na baka hindi na ako makabalik. Na baka hanggang dito nalang talaga ako. Natatakot ako malimutan lahat ng pagmamahal na itinanim Mo sa akin at maging isang katawan lang na pwede ng ikonsidera na “no more than just a shell”. I am here but I’m not living. Natatakot ako na sa oras na dumating Ka ay matagpuan mo akong malayo sa kamay mo at hindi na kayang abutin. Natatakot ako sa mga maaaring mangyari pa habang wala ako sa piling Mo. Natatakot ako, Panginoon ko. Tulungan Mo akong lumaban. I am nothing without You.

Well, that escalated real quick. Hindi ko rin alam paano ‘to tatapusin. That was quite shocking amirite so *flies away*

-prncssmanuel.

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