This year has practically been the most excruciating academic year of my college life, yet. I’ve been put through a painful stretch. I felt like being stripped bare each day. I felt so vulnerable. So weak. I’ve never felt so helpless and bare and ashamed in my whole life. There were nights I’d wish to be wake up with time frozen so I don’t have to agonize again about my failures and mistakes and unfortunate events. I have probably grown tired putting a lot of my energy on living because every time that I try to, I am miserably failing as if each day is a slap in my face that I don’t deserve the life I have. It’s like I’m always after a train I can’t seem to reach. As if all of my efforts are not enough. As if I’m never (and can never be) enough.
I disappointed every person around me. I may not hear it directly from them but I can feel it. I can see it in their eyes. I let a handful of people down. And that’s what infuriates me. I just hate myself for that. Hey everyone! Welcome to Disappointment Island! Population: 1. I’ve never felt so low and inadequate until the past year(up to today). I mean, if the sun could only come down to reach out and burn me, it probably did even before I reached 2015.
I just feel like I didn’t give it the right justice. I am so embarrassed with all my mess that I want to bury myself under a rock and never come out again. I am shamefaced that I would rather walk on the hallways with a paper bag over my head. I feel so defeated, so small and weak and just…not good enough.
This life made me (and is still making me) feel crushed, beaten-down, bruised, empty-handed, only to realize that I had been brought down on my knees. I thought I was about to taste the most bitter slice of life. Little did I know that I’m about to be blown away by the sweetest love there is. In those months, God allowed me to see how little I am and how big He truly is. It was painful. I was hurt. But that doesn’t mean that God is a sadistic god who puts His creations as entertainment. We are weaved by His hands, He knows us. He completely know how stubborn and rigid we are. He knows exactly what is needed to be change within our hearts.
“The Lord does not call the qualified, but qualifies whom He has called.” I am tired putting it up for myself, this is the time for me/you/us to rest. Only through the grace of God that we are made righteous so no one can boast before Him. Day after day, I am learning. Day after day, God is changing my heart. There will be days that I need to cut off excess branches from my tree; it will hurt, but that’s the part of growing. And it is in my prayers for my soul to rest once more because the One who holds my tree, is a God of life and love.
Perhaps Christianity is not all about “reputation”, I think it is more about being honest–knowing that you are not and can never perfectly be qualified, coming out flawed and deliberately throwing ourselves in the only love that covers all these shortcomings. He allowed me to feel what it’s like to stand completely stripped bare and forced to look at the ugliness of my own heart. But because of that, I also knew that it was to be covered. Covered in grace; in love; in the knowledge that Christ is enough. I know I’m special because I’m His.
God made me a part of His glorious ruins. And He can make you a part of it, too. If you choose to.