I have a midterm exam tomorrow. 2 maths and 1 chemistry. Annoyed bc no matter what I do, I cant seem to bring myself to reviewing these subjects. I mean, yes really, how could I even concentrate doing the things I’m supposed to do when my head is being occupied by these unwelcomed demons whispering how everyone in the family probably hates me now bc I’m an unproductive damn piece of butt, with no life and dreams to chase in the future but in the couch chasing missed tv show episodes; or how I see my friends–our genuine friendship built with love and fairytale shit– fall apart; how I’m “trying” to save this sinking friendship but turns out I’m making everything worse; OR how this God I’m serving probably hates me right now for being a pretty disobedient follower. Maybe he doesn’t want me to be in the league anymore, like, I’m one of the fallen angels who have received offence cards and were kicked out of Heaven Academy later on. I’m scared.
I just want all of this to end. I don’t freaking care if you think I’m an overreacting white girl. You can’t judge my life and how I feel unless you’re in my goddamn shoes right now.
I’m scared bc what if my parents were right? What if I’m nothing but a piece of shit who doesn’t have a future? I’m scared.
I’m scared what if I’ll be left with nothing? Friends leave bc you’re no good for them.
I’m scared what if the God–creator of everything–neglects me for reaching the red color of the bad bitch o’ meter?
I’m scared. I’m really scared. I don’t want to be a depressed lifeless piece of gum again. I just. I don’t know. I want to hold on but it feels like the only few things I’m holing onto are slowly falling apart. Where will I go?
I feel like a balloon right now, a deflating one. Like when this balloon is full of helium and the child loves it bc it keeps on floating above her but then the strings that holds the balloon together were detached and now the balloon is loosing every helium that’s keeping it alive and the balloon is all over the place until it falls down, lifeless.
I think that perfectly resembles me right now, only I’m not yet lifeless, I’m still on the stage of loosing everything.
Well, with that, I guess we have figured out where this will end up. Bye.